-Not a day goes by when I am not in agony at some moment, needing to urinate in central London.
-Public toilets in London are generally either drug dealing epicentres, or have been turned into trendy pop-up clubbing venues.
-Urinating in public is a deeply risky business for females. As for males, it is unacceptable when you are past the age of 10 and the sun is out. There are few things more nerve-wracking and shameful than standing in a cobblestone mews off Kensington High Street, in broad daylight, hurriedly shaking drops of urine from your penis. And then, having to spend upwards of £1.80 on a bottle of Evian in order to wash your hands.
-There is something very depressing about having to divert a moment in your life by venturing into a McDonalds, Burger King, or any other fast food misery shack, with the sole intention of visiting their toilets. Additionally, the toilets in these kinds of establishments are always inevitably situated at the back of the downstairs seating area. This means wading through the usual crowd of ghouls who prefer to sit and eat in the only section of a drab, BBQ sauce-stained cesspit that lacks natural light.
-Though fast food franchises are aesthetically unrewarding, at least there’s a decent chance you might actually get to empty your bladder. Starbucks may appeal with its groovy contemporary jazz soundtrack, spacious disabled facilities, and full length vanity mirrors, but I have rarely ever walked straight into a Starbucks toilet without having to wait eight minutes or so for it to be vacated by a very sheepish looking middle aged dog-walker type.
-The best option is to find the nearest 4-5 star hotel and walk in with your iphone in hand, like you own the fucking place. Then make for the shitters and go bananas. Not only can you urinate (and more) in pleasant environs, but you can also take liberties with complementary Molton Brown hand soap, and even pilfer a few embroidered hand towels - if being a lowlife is your thing. And, on top of all that, a well-spoken doorman in a top hat will greet you and see you off when you’re done.
-In conclusion, needing a piss is a total rigmarole, and the sooner they create a weekly injection that alleviates the human need to excrete waste, the better.
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