#7: White Girls Singing in a 'Soulful' Growl

It looks like she mistook the paper shredder for the laundry basket when she tried to wash her jeans.

 -This is the aural equivalent of dry ice to the genitals.

-Fortunately, dry ice to the genitals is something I have never experienced, but the thought of it, like the sound of white chicks attempting the whole “urghhh-hurghmmmmm yeaAaaaAhhh-ooooww-hmmmmm I’m a diva huurgghhhyeahhhh I don’t take no shit from no maaaaannnnnn” thing, makes me cringe a lot.

-The technical musical term for this is melisma. One word or syllable of a vocal line is elongated over a range of notes, often to dazzling effect. It’s the thing that’s likely to send groovy little shivers down your spine when listening to the opening of James Brown’s version of Bewildered. When attempted by less gifted singers, it is not dazzling, as the vocal melody becomes more of an aggressive yodel.

-The accompanying vocal tone generally sounds a bit like the thing that sometimes happens when you’ve just eaten a chocolate bar and your voice unintentionally comes out sounding like Fozzy Bear. Think of that Anastacia song from the late 90s where she was “hhhhowtta lllurrve [out of love]”, presumably you’ll get what I’m saying.

-This usually obscures the lyrics – which isn’t really a problem, because they are, for the most part, completely vacuous anyway. Not always – Christina Aguilera’s diabolical warblings were deployed at us with wholesome intentions when she tried to reassure French-kissing gays, bald transvestites and skinny weightlifters worldwide that they are beautiful, no matter what [people like Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, and…50 Cent] say. But if she gave that much of a shit, she could have done it without assaulting our ears, and just volunteered for Samaritans or something.

-The physical actions that accompany the growly-whitegirl vocal style always involve the head being thrown back and the hands desperately pulling at the hair, as though it’s not actually hair, but an obscure furry animal with peroxide highlights that is digging its claws into the bald scalp of the singer. This is quite funny, but also a bit unnerving.

-At its worst, this style of singing is basically just the noise that children make when they impersonate motorbike engines, but rather than ‘vrrooom, vrrooom’, there are words about sexual autonomy and refusing to have one’s heart broken (again).

-If you have never encountered someone who breaks into this style of singing, impromptu, eyes closed and holding out their hand, palm facing down, moving it up and down in correlation with the varying pitch of the melody, then you are very lucky. You’ll feel obliged to tell them that they should record a demo, even though you can’t quite look them in the eye ever again.